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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in creamsnake's LiveJournal:

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Friday, December 31st, 2010
4:36 pm
me and me and way too much me.
i see friends this time of year who i haven't seen in a long time, and you're supposed to encapsulate your life and it's hard. i feel like my life is a string of media i have consumed, days of work, weed smoked, beer drank drunk, hilarious IMing, and weird private thoughts. nothing changes except that i can talk about more books or movies.

but this is a lie, all this shit changes all the time. this year i got hearing aids. i can hear now at work, in meetings. still not as well as other people, but not such an outsider because of missing huge amounts of conversation. i have leftover anger at the manner of the people who sold me the hearing aids, and at the amount of money they cost. but i was able to buy them, and a lot of people could not have, and i'm so happy to have them. and i was worried about dealing with people's shit around disability, but it is so not an issue, to the extent that i know i am still an ignorant asshole myself around tons of disability issues.

this year i found out my cat nick is going to die. i knew it would happen one day but honestly, i didn't really believe it. his kidneys are failing. i am doing what i can to keep him having a normal life for as long as he can, giving him medicine and mixing special food. it's both mundane and horrid, like all sick care. it's caused me to think a lot about the single women with cats discourse that happens through jokes. it's never bothered me at all, to be made fun of for something awesome about myself. it feels like when you're a kid and people make fun of you for being a big reader--good one, retard. but i've been thinking about what it means, how it makes people mad if you choose to go home to yourself and pets, and you don't make fun of yourself for it, you're not seeking to be in a couple, this isn't a temporary stop. these somehow built-in, commonly known jokes about women/cats want to belittle and pathologize women who go home to animals only, and like it. and there definitely is something different about the emotional life of someone who spends the end of every day, after work when you are most yourself, with their animals, as opposed to their animals and somebody else. it's a closeness that makes it so that i hear about people who have kids and then want to get rid of their animals for convenience, and i wonder how we are the same species. i know that when nick dies i will be torn raggedly apart and be a different person for the rest of my life, and i will be overwhelmed with lloyd's grief. and maybe have to get another cat for her? i don't know. i can't know yet. it's too much, and there's not a thing i can do to make it less.

this year i found out i have borderline diabetes, and have to change how i shop/cook/eat/relate to my body. i have to deal with some old eating disorder shit and put that behind me. this finally, after some reading, all seems doable and okay. what did i find here to be pissed about? firstly, the fact that this body stuff that should be strictly about health has to be so goddamned twisted in my mind because of widespread hatred of fat women (which is really about all of us because it includes the always looming threat for thin women that they will be/are getting fat). secondly, the fact that the best and least intimidating exercise experiences i know of cost a lot of $. please don't say in a bright voice "you can walk" or some other basic thing to me. i won't even get visibly mad, i'll just not talk to you about anything complex or real again.

this year i took a yoga class. i liked it a lot. my body feels old in the past year or 2, my back and knees fucked up, and i have less flexibility. i loved the class, its time and its location meant i actually went to it. it is too fucking expensive for me to continue to take.

this year i started doing the prison book project every few weeks on sunday afternoons. i love it and i'd like to go more often this year. often i don't go because of hangovers. i don't regret this, because most of my hangovers are from really funny and awesome nights with people whose company i find very fulfilling. i love the prison book project. it is something political i can do. i can't do a lot of shit because being in a democratic centralist trotskyist org for some years made me kind of crazy about listening to long statements from men or anyone in their twenties. i've done my time hearing that shit. i like to read political stuff, but i can't be in those meetings. so, mailing books to women in prison makes me really really happy. and i cannot get enough of shopping for, stacking, shelving, even just carrying books. this lets me be on the lookout for free books and $1 books and put them to good use, which satisfies a bunch of needs i have.

this year i've worried about my friends who need jobs. i'd like that to be resolved this year, and i think it will be.

this year, hilariously enough, i went off anti-depressants. so fucking funny after all the above. it's recent, and so far it's okay.

next year. up and up and up. i'm going to make a lot of shit and figure shit out. particularly about nick's nose and why it tastes like a salty love demon who crawled up my butt and made me feel for the first time. i'll investigate why lloyd's toes make the man in the moon weep, his tears stupid creamy slaps upon the earth. i'm going to put a bird in your hair and salt its tail. right now i am going to work on making a game for tonight.
Saturday, August 1st, 2009
5:05 pm
Wednesday, July 29th, 2009
12:59 pm
scenes with old gregg in the club to be filmed at luke's place, obv
My huge money-making and world-improving idea is this how about a Mighty Bush porn. Lookalike actors and I'm thinking maybe the Mighty Bush is located in Vince's hair? And they go exploring it and everyone does it with each other, and Old Gregg is there and we find out how Naboo does it even though he's smooth and also what? what!? Eric from True Blood is here?! Yes, he is, okay? He tops one and all and it's neither safe nor sane nor consensual but guess what it rules and Bollo is not part of this erotic adventure film, we just don't have the budget. We do have enough budget for lots of Vince outfits, howev. @deadathome set up auditions at my place? thanks
Friday, July 24th, 2009
7:46 am
Ever drink Baileys from a shoe? Wanna go to a club where people wee on each other? I'm gonna hurt you. I like you. What do ya think of me?

dudes i just signed up here http://thankbooshitsfriday.co.uk/
Friday, July 17th, 2009
11:12 pm
Night falls and Cat Country comes to life.
Will the Carbonel books be the best books ever? I guess I'll have to investigate.
10:22 am
Thursday, June 18th, 2009
7:32 am
Cats do sin but their sins are forgiven immediately. It is best to get a cat to do all your sinning for you. For instance this is why I always signal Nick to make the first tendyr move.

If I had a TV show I couldn't be sick like this, for this long. What would happen? Some guest host would come and replace me and be more popular than I am. Probably James would go on and sing Physical and get the highest ratings ever.

I put my lips upon a candy-coated nutria name of Nick. He tasted of bliss.
Saturday, June 13th, 2009
7:32 pm
i mostly keep just being here. god i'm so lazy every second of always.
Monday, March 9th, 2009
5:39 am
Dr. Cox was on the Bonnie Hunt show with very deliberate curls and glossy ultramarine eyes. He had some shirt on about "count down to the day, erase the word." Or something. Tito and I already hated it before knowing what it was, clearly some bizarre charity thing. They teased us that after the commercial break, he'd clear it all up for us. Okay. Um, it's a day to get rid of "the R word." And Cox talked about his Down Syndrome son and Bonnie Hunt talked about some kid in her neighborhood growin up who had DS and she was like "People cannot understand the love. They are ALL about love. It's just really intense, pure love." He agreed. Then he got super righteous and was like "If you pick on this group, of all groups, you are a coward. Because you've chosen the one group who is not gonna give it back. They don't have it in 'em." And she was like "It's true, it's just so much pure love. Humans don't know to handle it." Then he really angrily, like he seemed super pissed at me personally, said "They don't know this" and made an airpunch like he was gonna come through my screen "They only know this" and did some kind of indignant hug. This entire thing. My god.

The worst part was Tito's grateful tears as we watched. "FINALLY SOMEONE STANDS UP FOR ME WHAT A SUPWISE TANK YOU DOCTAH COX TANK YOU" and lots of trying to hug me with his arms and legs and t-strength. As always, I'm the Turk and he is the JD.
Sunday, March 8th, 2009
5:19 pm
the grim truth
I hope my book club reads this next.
2:23 pm

hero, originally uploaded by pameladorothy20.

These kittens are heroes who stand atop a pile of fire and deal with Count Chocula-like witches and one kitten thinks she's disguised but she is fooling no one.

Wednesday, March 4th, 2009
10:47 am
Nice James Jean interview. He's leaving Fables! And Madonna stole stuff from him.
Sunday, March 1st, 2009
8:02 pm
Monday, February 23rd, 2009
7:53 am
Philip Andre "Mickey" Rourke, Jr
Saturday Lisa and I watched him on Charlie Rose. Lisa called two important facts: 1. Charlie Rose was completely hypnotized. 2. Mickey would be tearfully dedicating any wins to Loki. Man. Much of the interview was Mickey talking about his love for Darren Aronofsky in this compulsive and totally reverent way that is wonderfully uncomfortable to watch. Again and again, stars in his eyes, discussing his love. There was a part where he discussed Carré Otis leaving him, and "I was unable to sleep in a bed for about a decade." He realized there was something missing when he got in the bed, and that to sleep there, he had to fill it in. He had 4 dogs but he needed 2 more. Lisa clarified "He was trying to replicate the shape of a woman's body using dogs!" Omg. Yes. Yes he was. And he just explained about it on TV to Charlie Rose.

So then Independent Spirit Awards, where of course he won, and he was so MOVED and it was for Loki. And on both wins, he stood up, grabbed Aronofsky, and kissed him hard on the lips. The first time Darren tried to get away, and grin/grimaced after. The second time he knew better than to struggle. Rourke's speech included an impassioned passage about how people need to give Eric Roberts another chance and forget what he did eleven years ago. WHAT?? God, I LOVE you. And of course the tears for Loki. Which is what he calls my vagina. Retract. No. Stet.

Oh, throughout the Rose interview, I pictured these threesomes in vivid detail:
Rourke/Me/Stallone, Frank.
Rourke/Me/young Rourke.

Okay so then last night I watched Barbara Walters gently make her way into his wounds. GOD. Just because he'll answer anything all raw and truthfully doesn't make it okay to ask. I love when he said he still loves Carré Otis, but in a different way. And he's moved on. And there's not anyone in his life right now. I also think it might be interesting if people ask him some questions about ACTING sometimes, since he clearly knows some shit about that. At the end when she said "Thank you, Mickey Rourke" and he said "Thank you, Barbara Walters" I had to rewind it about six times.

So then I watched his ep of Biography, which was made around the time of Sin City. Why has Sin City been written out of his narrative? It was mentioned in Biography, but all the retellings of his story that have come out lately act as if it never happened. Like Aronofsky took a chance on hiring him that NO ONE else would take. I'd be pissed if I was RobRod. Um, the Biography was some Carre Otis, some Cintra Wilson, some dude who wrote a bio, some woman from Elle mag, and some Mickey himself. The Mickey himself footage? A 1992 interview where he looked . . . spritzed in oil and with a bunch of tails. Tiny brown tails curling around from either side ofthe back of his head, and a mustache that perfectly matches the tails in skinniness, so it really looks like a set of face-tails.

At the Oscars, he mentioned on the red carpet that he had with him a tuxedo made for Loki. Normal. Totally normal. He sat next to Marisa Tomei, who is dating Trey from the O.C. WHAT? God, watching the BAFTAs, I spy Ryan Atwood's nard of a brother? And now here at the Oscars too? That is so fucking disconcerting. Um, then Sean Penn won. Which was awesome. And I only saw part of Penn's speech and I'm assuming at the end of it he called Rourke up onstage and kissed him? Apparently he did call him his brother at the end of it and I fucking missed it.
Wednesday, February 18th, 2009
7:46 am
Head of State - First 1/2 hour, I was like how did I never see this awesome movie? But of course it was super lame after that. The women's roles are complete horseshit.

Kissing Jessica Stein - Total silliness. Three layers of lipstick? Absurd.

Darling - Julie Christie (who won the Best Actress Oscar for this one) is a model who "amorally" fucks some dudes to get some stuff. Then becomes imprisoned by the lifestyle she fucked so hard to obtain. Totally fun to watch, but also hit too close to home, my friends.

Did you know that Scottish Folds are born with ears straight up, but after 3 weeks some of them fold over? Into the single fold, the double fold, or the coveted triple fold. But some don't ever fold, and those cats are still Scottish Folds. There is this show on Animal Planet, Cats 101, and it rules. It goes through different breeds and tells how naughty and cute they are. As James pointed out, breeding animals is gross, and of course I hate that there are expensive bred cats, however, if they are out there I need to watch footage of them being cute. The narrator says the Persians are known as Lounge Lizards for the way they lie around! And he calls them "these little purr angels!" GOD!

Okay, and too, there is another show on National Geographic channel called The Secret Life of Cats, and that was also awesome, but sad. It talks about the anti-cat movement in Australia. NO. And so much stuff about all the harm cats can do, and you see SO many dead things that cats killed, and then so much footage of cats just looking fucking cute and satisfied with themselves.

Nick and Lloyd
Awesome Show
Nick and Lloyd
Friday, February 13th, 2009
11:16 am
Wednesday, February 11th, 2009
7:38 am
peeping nick, nick part one, nicks
Peeping Tom: Okay, director of this movie Michael Powell was super broke and forgotten in the late 70s when Scorsese was like wtf and helped him out. Also introduced him to Thelma Schoonmaker, who Powell ended up marrying. Those were the facts given to me by TCM after I watched it. This movie is from 1960, is about a dude who is obsessed with capturing death on film, you know for a fact that "death" means of women obviously because we are the ones who are so beautiful when we are scared crying dying, the colors are amazing, I enoyed the movie, except for the face of this one person in it. I know I'm a terrible person, but Anna Massey's face greatly upsets me. I must say no.

Che Part One: Really liked it, wished they'd all orgied. I always have a hard time visualizing guerilla warfare in the jungle, and loved getting a bit of a sense of what it's like. Basically I would lie down and die because of no ice cream or Zoloft or soft toilet paper. I wish I'd seen both parts togeth.

I happily began watching Scrubs last night - which I almost didn't pick up this season because last seas was SO BAD unless you love tenderness, couple drama, and babies instead of hilarity but I'm really enjoying this season - and I was all excited to be watching and then It came on the screen. Oh my god. I'd somehow entirely blocked out of my mind that the most hideous, grating, appalling, will-to-live-stealing character in the history of TV - at least since Annie on 90210 - was introduced last week as Janitor's love interest. That thing The Gooch? What? Who thinks that is okay? They cast her on a television show because she has progeria and plays the ukelele? Not okay not okay not okay. The whimsy, the retardation, the implied adorability, it is seriously sick. I will stomp you baby bird. I wish her huge eyes would eat themselves ala ANTM self-eye-eater.
Tuesday, February 3rd, 2009
2:19 pm
Monday, February 2nd, 2009
7:51 am
Legend: Okay, there is this lesbian couple and one lives in the woods and one is princess-y, and the one in the woods has a magical unibrow that allows her to see unicorns, so she takes the femme to see the unicorns, and a ton of cackling midgets are spying the whole time, then a bunch of terrible shit goes down. The forest girl is played by Tom Cruise, and the princess is Mia Sara. Tim Curry is the devil, and he is fucking hilar. There is a cool part where this scary black dress dances with Mia Sara, and at first she's not having it but then she gives in and dances with the dress and eventually wears it with some Wet 'n' Wild applied all gothily.

Wendy and Lucy: Ever since I've been reading about this movie, I have Computer Blue in my head. My brain automatically changes this title to Wendy and Lisa, so it is ALWAYS going through my head Wendy yes Lisa is the water warm enough yes Lisa shall we begin yes Lisa then Prince screaming about where is his love life, and until he finds a righteous woman, and all that. But this movie is actually nothing like that. It is not sexy or confusing. It's heartbreaking and up close and feels about 20 minutes long. Sad and infuriating and awesome.

Lisa sent me this article about how MR fixed up his body for The Wrestler. For the role, Rourke spent seven months training everyday with an ex-Israeli cage fighter, stuffing his face with protein and occasionally making trips to the hospital for MRIs. I wish that he would stuff my face with protein.

I had a dream that I was headed to Renegade Craft Fair with a bunch of glass cat noses I'd made (!!!) and I somehow thought I'd just find someone to let me squat on some of their table space. I'm sure? So I arrived, and I started hearing people say "Man, I hope Pam H******* doesn't show up this year." And finally someone recognized me, and she was like "what are you doing here? you are BARRED from all renegade events" and they brought out all these vendor tablecloths and other materials that were originally all pretty, but they had my scrawl all over them in permanent marker. I'd clearly come the year before and just written all over everyone's stuff. Way to go, asshole.

Until I find a righteous kitten. Computer Blue. Ner na ner na ner.
Thursday, January 29th, 2009
10:51 am
okay i forgot to say that when the camera moved from graham in the audience back to mickey and biel, mickey had moved all the way across the couch to sit next to her with his hand on her arm, whispering all low and sleazy in her ear whatever this business was about mick jagger/party. god. so gross and hot.
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